SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically