A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
You Might Also Like
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
What the hell is going on?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.