me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Who chose this font
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs