My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Sheep
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.