wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.