ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
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[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
This came to me in a dream.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.