i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.