What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen