[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
(Gaming support cat.)
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late