Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
thank god
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
#Caturday
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.