If looks could kill
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me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.