They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.