My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Good morning
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.