I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
A wise man once said nothing.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: