“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person: