*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
incredible
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.