Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”