There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.