Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Guy who likes music
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Banking tips
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.