what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY