Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
incredible
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you