Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
You Might Also Like
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m good, thanks.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.