Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Plant care tips
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
ACED my prostate exam!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
#SCOTUS one-star review
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”