Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?