If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening