As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.