Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You Might Also Like
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.