The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
You Might Also Like
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
the noise i just made
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical