I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Life is a suicide mission.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.