WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.