My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Same pineapple, same
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
i will avenge u mr van gogh
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.