I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name