If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
guys I’m going home
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman