Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me too
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”