They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank