Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.