Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.