My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
You Might Also Like
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.