I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*looks at you in batman voice*
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall