My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You Might Also Like
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.