I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
😏😏😏
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
#Thanos #MondayMood
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.