Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Saturday
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*