In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…