I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it