ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
You Might Also Like
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?