In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What