“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.