HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn