No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Lmbo