My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way